Nicknames
by Psych0h0l1c
Summary: From the moment Suigetsu and Hidan had first met, nicknames – epithets, really, and quite insulting ones at that – had been a major factor in their constant bantering. ""Motherfucker" isn't a nickname, Hidan," Suigetsu points out. "It is 'cause you are one," Hidan retorts. Suigetsu purses his lips at this.


From the moment Suigetsu and Hidan had first met, nicknames – epithets, really, and quite insulting ones at that – had been a major factor in their constant bantering. The two fired barbs back and forth in quick succession with their sharp tongues, and any hapless passersby caught in the crossfire were fortunate to escape with only bloodied ears and a spinning head. It was surprisingly convivial, however; the scurrilous remarks by one were met with snickers and snorts by the other, but Hidan would become riled as he often took the games too seriously. Suigetsu – being naturally insouciant and thus not as easily ruffled as the priest – got a kick out of his tantrums, which of course exacerbated the problem, and since Hidan couldn't strike him (and without getting soaked, to boot) it only served to piss him off even more. Their squabbles always ended on good terms, though.

One day, Hidan proposed a challenge: each of them were to write down every nickname they'd made so far to compare creativity and quantity. Whoever lost was to be subjected to relentless taunting by the victor without uttering a single word throughout the duration of the barrage. Competitive as always, Suigetsu ardently agreed.

Hidan goes first.

 **Suigetsu's nicknames**

 **Motherfucker** ("That's not a nickname," Suigetsu points out, leaning over Hidan's shoulder as the priest scribbles the word down. "It is 'cause you are one," Hidan retorts. Suigetsu purses his lips at this.)

 **Talking Saw** ("That's just offensive. I do not cut down trees with my teeth.")

 **Rake Mouth** ("Wow.")

 **Bastard** ("...")

 **Grandma** ("Is that just 'cause my hair's white?")

 **Aquaman** ("Okay, that's kinda funny.")

 **Merman/Mermaid** ("Well, I guess that's true.")

 **Jaws Jr.** ("Did you call Kisame "Jaws," then?")

 **Asswipe** ("That's not a nickname either.")

 **Asshole** ("Are you even trying, Hidan?")

 **Ass** ("...")

 **King Triton** (Upon seeing this, Suigetsu bursts into laughter and can't speak coherently for a few minutes. Hidan smirks.)

 **Ariel** (After finally calming down, Suigetsu wipes the tears from his eyes and sees this, then starts laughing all over again.)

 **Fish Fucker** ("Now _that's_ offensive. How do you even fuck a fish anyway?")

 **Dolphin Boy** ("I have to admit, that's funny too. Also offensive, but funny.")

 **Purple Eyes** (Suigetsu rolls them. "That's not even creative." Hidan snaps at him to shut up and elbows him in the chest, getting said appendage wet in the process and cursing like a sailor at the uncomfortable sensation of soaked clothing. Suigetsu sports a shit-eating grin.)

 **Piranha Boy** ("Ooh, I like that one. Piranhas are cool.")

 **Kisame Jr.** ("What the hell?")

 **Kisame's Little Brother** ("We're not even related.")

"My turn!" Suigetsu shouts excitedly, snatching the paper out of Hidan's hands, giving him multiple paper cuts in the process and receiving an earful of swearing in return.

 **Hidan's nicknames**

 **Grandpa** ("I told you, my hair isn't fucking gray, it's _silver_!" Hidan spits, then self-consciously touches his 'do. "Same difference," Suigetsu shrugs. "Besides, now we can pretend we're an old married couple." He grins, and Hidan narrows his eyes. "That's gay.")

 **Pink Eyes** ("Look who's uncreative now," Hidan mutters, and Suigetsu replies sardonically, "You've inspired me with your impeccable talent, obviously." )

 **Human Voodoo Doll** ("...")

 **Mr. Voodoo** ("...Fuck you.")

 **Drag Queen** ("I'm gonna kill you, bastard," Hidan growls, then promptly tries to furiously scrub the offending polish off of his nails for the umpteenth time. Suigetsu has to bite his lip to stifle a giggle.)

 **Grim Reaper** ("What the f- Wait, that's actually cool. Keep that one.")

 **Mr. Potato Head** (By this time, Hidan is seething with his arms crossed and glaring into the distance. Through another bout of hysterical laughter, Suigetsu says he's just pouting because he knows the nickname is funny, but he's too proud to admit it. Between gasps of breath, he sputters, "W-what if you got cut up again and s-somebody switched your head and your dick-" He has to duck to avoid a furious punch.)

 **Dracula** (Hidan throws a tantrum and exclaims he's not that pale and doesn't even have fangs. Suigetsu points out that he does in fact drink blood, though, and Hidan snarls at him. "Also, you got that high-collar-weird-eyes- and slicked-back-hair-trope thing goin' on-" This time, he has to dodge a violent swing of Hidan's scythe.)

 **Nosferatu** (Suigetsu receives a murderous glare.)

 **Zombie** ("Fuck this.")

Suigetsu sets the paper down. "You know, Hidan, you're a sore loser."

"And fuck you."

"You've already said that."

Hidan tosses his arms in the air. "Then I'll say it a third time! Fuck you!" Glancing down at the paper, he falters as he notices something. "...Hey, I win!" he jeers exuberantly, jabbing a finger at the mist ninja. "Suck it!"

Suigetsu follows his gaze with a frown, counts carefully, then does a double take. "What the hell, you beat me by nine?!"

"Git gud, scrub."

" _Ten_!"

From the looks of it, Hidan is the more... _ingenuitive_ one of the two, even with random expletives thrown in and even used as "nicknames" by themselves (which Suigetsu sort of thinks is cheating but is too whipped to argue about), so Suigetsu has to begrudgingly admit that he wins fair and square.

The mist ninja keeps his mouth shut and sulkily adds the word "Scrub" under his name. Realizing he won't be able to keep it shut during Hidan's imminent ridicule, however – a trait the zealot was infamous for (and unmatched in, much to Suigetsu's vexation), he sighs wearily. "I'm gonna need duct tape for this."

* * *

 **Just a goofy idea that came to mind. These two are my favorite characters out of ALL favorite characters, so naturally I have to put them together. :P Also, this corresponds to another fic I'm writing that involves these two. Hope you got a laugh out of this as I did!**

 **Cover source:** **steampunkskulls. deviantart art/ Suigetsu-and-Hidan- 387321071 (delete spaces)**


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